Risk

At the risk of sounding crazy and at the risk of not being able to clearly communicate my thoughts and feeling into something that makes sense to anyone else, I am going to post some abstract thoughts that I have been feeling lately. Lately, I feel like life and everything around me is on fast forward, I have the surreal feeling that everything is racing forward. I have the feeling that everything is coming to an end but not like a negative depressing way. I feel like I need to ponder the importance of things in my life because the things I usually worry and focus on are not as important as I think they are. I feel like I am in pause and everything else is in fast forward and I can see the ending and when I am out of pause everything will go at a normal speed but I will still have seen the ending. This sounds crazy, sometimes it makes me feel crazy, but strangely it's peaceful. All the things I normally worry about aren't so important, I'm not so congested with worry, I feel clear. Clear to see the importance of things, the significants of things in the world, in my life. Clear to focus on the solid tangible things that need to be done and not to worry about the things that aren't really that important in the grand scheme of things and that I can do nothing about. Maybe my diet is eating my brain but even though it feels strange it is also peaceful.

Little Gifts

I like animals but I have never been one to have a pet. The biggest reason is that with seven kids, I don't want anymore responsibility than I already have or more mouths to feed. For several months we have had a cat that lives in our yard. I think she may have been born in or behind our garage. She isn't someone's pet, she is feral. We started noticing her because she always managed to get into our garbage, tearing open the bags and making a general mess. About two months ago my nine year old daughter and eight year old son decided that she needed food and started leaving leftovers or cans of tuna on the porch for her. She started coming close enough to eat but was still really panicky around people. As soon as it started getting cold outside we started noticing mice in the house so I went to the store and bought some poison but hadn't got a chance to put it out. Every morning when I would leave the house I started noticing that the cat would be as close as she could to the gap under the back door trying to get some warmth from the cold. For a couple of days I kept on wondering why she wouldn't just go find someplace warm in the garage. Finally, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to bring her in at night for warmth and maybe I wouldn't have to put out the poison after all. The first time I brought her in I thought it might not work out. She was so frightened and went hiding. She would start to look around and then would go running for cover if she saw anyone moving around. Eventually, she has gotten used to everyone and being in the house. She has even found her own "cat door" coming in and out of our bedroom window. She has warmed up to our family except for the youngest. Our two year old runs growling at the cat whenever he sees here so she gives him a wide berth. She hunts mice at night, I wasn't sure about it but one morning I woke up and right next to the bed were two dead mice. Before I got a chance to pick them up I went into the living room. The cat, whom we now refer to as Tiger, kept on running in the bedroom nudging the mice then coming over and rubbing on me trying to get my attention. I realized that I had received my first little gift of appreciation, if only everyone could be so thoughtful. This morning I woke up at 5 am to wake my daughter up per her request. As I got up in the dark to reset the alarm, I thought I stepped on hair, but since I was half asleep I didn't think anything of it and got back in bed. Two and a half hours later when I got up to start my day I found out what it was. Apparently, Tiger had managed to catch a rabbit, bring it into the house through my bedroom window, and leave most of it as a gift to me. The rabbit was half the size of the cat! Sometimes animals appreciate us more than our children do. I just wish that maybe she could take up hunting flowers or something. I am afraid of what I might find next, or should I say, what I might step in next.

Step By Step

So these are the steps I have taken. I have once lost over 100lbs all by myself no surgery. I was successfully keeping it off until my last two pregnancies in which I completely gave up. There wasn't any reason for me to let myself go but I did. My doctor said that although my blood pressure is low, my cholesterol is normal it won't always be that way. She offered looking into weight loss surgery. I looked at her and said, "Weight loss surgery restricts the amount of food and calories you take in, why have surgery because I can't exercise self control?" Easier said than done but it has been done before and why risk surgery. She looked at me and said, " Leticia, you have always been very intelligent, you have the right idea." In addition, exercise will help me lose weight and tone so that I won't have as much flab as I lose. So instead of complaining that I have always been overweight, which I have, or that having six children is an excuse for looking the way I do, I am taking my application to the YMCA tonight after work. I looked into 24 hrs fitness but I am kind of poor so that won't do. I have also looked into Unjury and Optifast to get me a jump start. I know that if I don't learn how to eat real food the right way I will never keep it off, so the liquid options are just a jump start. The funny thing is that I do know the right foods and quantities but my kids hate soy milk, fresh beans, spinach, etc so I have a tendency to eat what they do. Maybe they will see my efforts and start eating healthier too. I will do whatever it takes. I want to be here for my children. I want to have energy. I want to like the way I look. I want my outside to match my inside.

My Theme Song

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Responsibility

Responsibility means that I am responsible for my children. Responsibility means that I am responsible for my actions. Responsibility does not mean that I am responsible for the actions of another adult. If I am dating, engaged, or married, it still doesn't mean that I am responsible for the actions, promises, or failure to fulfill promises of my significant other. They are an adult they are responsible for their own failure or success as I am responsible for my own failures or successes. I am tired of people that don't acknowledge or take responsibility for themselves. It is always because of someone else and never because of their own choices. I am tired of people thinking that what my significant other does or fails to do has anything to do with me. I take responsibility for my failures and my successes. I refuse to be responsible for anyone else's just as I refuse to make my problems be the blame of anyone else. I make my bed and I sleep in it. I refuse to make a bed for someone else or sleep in their bed for them. If they are an adult they can sleep in there own bed, they can be responsible for their own mistakes. And anyone who thinks I am responsible for any other adult than myself can go fuck themselves.

Selfish Rant

So this is selfish. I know that. I can't help myself from thinking this way even though I know how selfish it is. I have struggled with depression since I was 12 or 13. We've fought a long and hard fight with one another and my roller coaster of emotions hasn't helped. I haven't been on medication since I was 15. I cope. I have anxiety attacks but I have learned how to ignore them or get through them. I usually don't talk about them. Lyle has been my rock. My solid foundation. He has been depressed in the past but he has always been steady, solid, and never on a roller coaster until recently. I truly believe that his depression has caused problems with his employment in the past, but he has always came through. Recently, things have been worse. He has been on the roller coaster and not just ups and downs. His downs have been more consistent with very few ups but added to the mix is a total change of personality. He comes mean and angry and he doesn't recognize that it's not normal to be this way. He goes into frequent rages. His roller coaster is bad, normal, the worst. There are no real ups. His ups are him being normal. The steady, solid, man that always made me feel safe. The doctor put him on bipolar medication. It's causing him to sleep a lot. He was supposed to start a job today but didn't because his throat hurts. Something like that wouldn't have ever stopped him before and I know it's the medication. I feel frightened because I depended on him for stability, safety, and rational thinking. That's something that he has always been able to give me. When I am irrational he isn't. I know it's time for me to man up and be strong for him. I know that I will be but I am still scared. Not only to I love him but I have needed him for so long and now that he isn't what he has always been for me, I feel adrift at sea.

The Most Boring Person

So I have been sitting here thinking about blogging. I haven't blogged for a few days and I figured I should write about something. I was told that I shouldn't just write when I am upset about something but I should blog more often. So as I sat here I thought, I am the most boring person alive. My mind is blank, today I have no ideas. All I have been thinking about is how much laundry I have left to do, it almost all done, what I need to buy from the grocery store, etc. etc. So then I started thinking about what I did last night or even this weekend. Again boring. I went to the laundry mat to get caught up on some laundry that accumulated when my washer was broken. I stumbled online. I read a little and Lyle and I talked to his brother online. Nothing out of the ordinary. Someone once told me that although they are probably about 15 years older than me that they don't feel old because they have more of a life than I do. They go out, they meet people, go to the movies etc. etc. Maybe they are right. I go to work, I come home, I worry about money, I worry about my kids, I do laundry, I shop for groceries, I try to figure out how to get the things they need that I don't have money for, I escape online sometimes, I read a book, I watch a movie at home. That's it. I had dreams of traveling of meeting people, not large groups, just a few choice interesting ones. I had dreams of going to interesting places and becoming more interesting to talk to. But I guess I will live my life be a mother, work at my job, and live. I'm 31 years old. I am the mother to seven children. I have been a mother since I was 15 years old. This is my life. I am blessed with simple things. I don't regret the things I haven't done because those things have been replaced with love and stress and worry but most of all love. I look forward to the things I will do in my life and I hope to be remembered, not as a boring person, but as a loving mother, a complex person, with depth.