Selfish Rant

So this is selfish. I know that. I can't help myself from thinking this way even though I know how selfish it is. I have struggled with depression since I was 12 or 13. We've fought a long and hard fight with one another and my roller coaster of emotions hasn't helped. I haven't been on medication since I was 15. I cope. I have anxiety attacks but I have learned how to ignore them or get through them. I usually don't talk about them. Lyle has been my rock. My solid foundation. He has been depressed in the past but he has always been steady, solid, and never on a roller coaster until recently. I truly believe that his depression has caused problems with his employment in the past, but he has always came through. Recently, things have been worse. He has been on the roller coaster and not just ups and downs. His downs have been more consistent with very few ups but added to the mix is a total change of personality. He comes mean and angry and he doesn't recognize that it's not normal to be this way. He goes into frequent rages. His roller coaster is bad, normal, the worst. There are no real ups. His ups are him being normal. The steady, solid, man that always made me feel safe. The doctor put him on bipolar medication. It's causing him to sleep a lot. He was supposed to start a job today but didn't because his throat hurts. Something like that wouldn't have ever stopped him before and I know it's the medication. I feel frightened because I depended on him for stability, safety, and rational thinking. That's something that he has always been able to give me. When I am irrational he isn't. I know it's time for me to man up and be strong for him. I know that I will be but I am still scared. Not only to I love him but I have needed him for so long and now that he isn't what he has always been for me, I feel adrift at sea.