My Journal

My journal when I was fifteen ended up being a journal to my oldest child. I found out I was pregnant with him only few months after I turned fifteen. Say what you well but I loved him. His dad was my first boyfriend and what I used to think of as my first love but I didn't know then what love truly was.

I wasn't sure if I was going to have to give him up for adoption. I lived in a foster home and didn't know if they could or would make me. So I started my journal trying to let him know about me, thinking I might never know him. The front cover is something I copied from a book:

A hundred years from now it will not matter what my bank account was,
The sort of house I lived in,
Or the kind of car I drove.
But the world may be different because I was important in the life of a child.

The next few pages were some samples of things I had written so that he could know me a little:

Memories
By,
Lms

I have memories of the times we've spent together,

When I am down and I think of you I feel as light as a feather,

All the laughter al the sorrow we shared,

All the times you showed me that you really cared,

I'll remember those times when we're not together,

I'll remember those times when I felt down and you made me feel better,

I hope you will also remember the times that we had,

Because knowing I am leaving is making me sad,

So let's cheer up and try not to cry,

And I will have memories of you long after I die.


Past
by,
LMS

The past is where my mind dwells,

Of all the sorrows the infernal hells,

I never look toward a tomorrow,

I'm content when I dwell in sorrow,

I always think of what should be,

Never of my reality,

Thinking of the past is tearing me apart,

So maybe I should listen to my heart,

And stop living my life in the past,

Maybe help my short life last.


Old Mr. Copper
By,
LMS

I never did like the old Mr. Copper. I was always terrified by him, especially his large nose protruding from his face. His nose always seemed to be in everyone's business. His eyes reflected an angry outlook towards life. His eyes didn't seem to fit the large frame of his body for they were small and beady. His eyes may have been small and beady but that didn't lessen the power of the fierce angriness that flashed out on everything in his gaze. His large biceps and the rippling muscles of his chest told me not to make him angry. I tried to stay out of his way most of the time, but...he was my father.

(I wrote this about my stepdad)

As I Think
by,
LMS

As I sit and think of my life,

Feeling slash through my heart like a sharpened knife,

As I look at all the times we've had,

With you I know I was never sad,

As I think of all the feelings inside me,

True love is what it has to be.


After all the silly corny stories and poems I pasted in pictures of me as a baby, a child, up to current age. Since I was in a maternity home while I was pregnant we took tummy takes every month and I lovingly placed each one in his book every month.

The night I found out I was pregnant, I wrote this entry:

Dear Child Within Me:

I yet do not know you but love you with all my heart. I knew someday you would have questions so I wanted to be prepared. You can never understand how sorry I am that you weren't blessed with the best. You ended up with a young mother, no grandmother, and fatherless. From the start our relationship has had a lot of strikes against it, but I want you to know that I will be the best mother I can be.


01/14/92

Dear Child Within Me,
I'm now almost 19 weeks pregnant with you. I've been feeling you move and it's such a wonderful feeling I can't believe your really in there. I love you so much.

01/21/92
Dear Child Within Me,
In three more days I will be five months. I'm so excited, almost half way there! I can't wait till the day I first look upon your face and you see mine. I love you so much!

01/28/92
Dear Child Within Me,
I'm five months pregnant with you and I went to the doctors today. As we were listening for your heart you kept on kicking the monitor. I'm not sure you liked it. Anyways, I feel you kicking a lot now. It doesn't hurt, sometimes it tickles. Sometimes you move so much I wonder if your doing cartwheels and handstands. Maybe you'll be a gymnast!

Love Your Mother

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
Even after I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

02/2/92
Dear Child Within Me,
I'm starting to realize that it is not going to be as easy as I thought raising you. Sometimes I wonder if you'd have a better life if I gave you up to a better family. It hurts me so much to think about it because you are a part of me and I love you with all my heart. I want you to have the best. Maybe I can't provide that for you. I'm not saying that that is what I am deciding to do, but I am saying that I need to find out my limitations and if I could really be what you need me to be. I love you!

Love Always,
Leticia

02/04/92

Dear Baby,

Things look life they might just work out okay. I'm praying that the Lord will make a way for me to keep you. I can't wait to teach you about God. I love him so much and when no one else was there for me he was.

Your daddy has been calling. I'm not sure if you will ever really meet him but if you don't it is nobodys fault. He is not a bad person and I love him very much. It's just too bad that I had to meet him the way I did.

Your father is very handsome. He has black curly hair and green eyes. He has a baby face which is where I got the name I call him from.(too corny but it's what I wrote then) He works really hard and sends money to help out his mother. He is hispanic and was born in Mexico. Those are your roots, be proud, and don't shame them. (again completely goofy)

You move a lot. I think you're just trying to make sure I know you're in there. I love to feel you kick. I wonder what your doing. I love you so much!

Love Your Mother,
Leticia


To be continued