In the Valley

Lyle went to the specialist. The good thing is that he doesn't have any infection in his brain according to the ct scan. According to the specialist, "Nobody gets mastoiditis anymore!" And then after looking at the scan follows with, "except maybe you." He then proceeded to give Lyle a hearing test, a steroid shot, and then tell him he could put tubes in his ears to that he could hear better. I ask him about all the other symptoms that Lyle has been having, the blood pressure dropping, the passing out, the headaches, the seizures, the dizziness, the clumsiness, the forgetting things, and the specialist looks a me and says, "well he could have had a meningitis but I don't treat that." So all is well! Lyle should just ignore his symptoms because other than the fact that he can't hear he is fine. Medical care really sucks! Lyle is giving up on finding out what's the matter with him and I told him if that's what he is going to do then I don't want to hear anything about it and I wouldn't worry about him anymore. Yeah right! I wish I could stop worrying. But not just about him. I worry about him, I worry about the kids, and I worry about money. Not like it helps or changes anything. And I struggle with depression, I climb into my protective shell, I hide, I become antisocial and then wonder why I feel so lonely. Lately, all I think about is getting drunk, but the funny thing is the last time I had anything to drink was at the street party with Dawn, my sister-in-law. I just think about it sometimes. I think I think about it because I am just tired of feeling the way I do and I want to feel something else. I have kind of come to terms with where my life is. I have come to terms with the fact that I will have some success but there will be a ceiling that I will hit in my life and that is as good as things will get. I have accepted that this is my life. I just want to not just accept my lot in life but to enjoy the small everyday joys and be happy for what I am blessed with. Which sometimes I am if I am being philosophical but not on an everyday basis in the moment. Anyways, I hope nobody actually reads the shit I write because I am really depressing right now. Later.