Battle Weary

I'm so tired. Not physically tired like being up all night and going to work the next day. I am tired of having to fight for everything. Fighting to keep the thirty year old car running to get to work each day. Fighting to get to work to keep the job to barely pay the bills each month. Fighting to pay the bills and juggle what gets covered and what doesn't. Just so very tired. If this is life I want to make damn sure I don't go to hell because sometimes that's what my life feels like. I will survive, I will be fine, I will make it. I know I have the potential and the brains to do more than what I am doing. I always excel at any job I have ever had but since I don't have enough money I always have trouble with vehicles to get to work. I have been babying my vehicle hoping that it wouldn't break down before I got a chance to get a new one or the money to fix it. I went to go to work this morning and the car starter just whirled but wouldn't start. We just replaced it two months ago. Found out today that it is probably the fly wheel. Nice. I told Lyle that if I was someone getting ready to rob a bank or do a drive by my car would probably start. I just wanted to cry. I live thirty five miles aways from work one way. I managed to find someone to take me to work and bring me back home for today. It only cost me $25 for gas. Like I really had the money. I was lucky that I had the money for gas. Now the money is gone I am still not sure how I will be getting back and forth to work. I almost cried twice at work. I don't show emotions at work. My work and my home are separate but my emotions almost got the better of me today. I kept on thinking that if I hadn't dropped the classes I was taking to get my RN when I was sixteen then I wouldn't be in this situation. My life would be one hundred times better. But then I get a grip and remind myself that all the what if's in the world don't change my present situation. I am responsible for my situation. It is no one's fault but my own. It is all a direct result of every decision I have made in my life. I want to fix myself, I don't expect anyone to do it for me. I just can't, I don't have the resources. I am tired of fighting this battle I call life but due to the fact I don't like the other options available I will endure.